Fragments: Intrusive Thoughts

So sometimes I write these little story fragments- short little scenes that I hash out as warmups or just because I had an idea that I liked, but couldn't figure out a way to work it into a proper story. This particular one is (probably very obviously) me talking about my anxiety using one of my OCs as a proxy. But don't worry! The OC is Lilly, so there's also some boob and lactation stuff, and a little bit of characterization for her, too.

I've never really published any fragments like this before because they tend to be a little meandering and aimless, and I kinda want to reserve my story accounts on Literotica and other places for completed, polished works. However, part of the reason that I started this blogspot was so it could be sort of a catch-all for little things like this that don't really fit on the other sites I post on. (Actually my tumblr was originally going to be the place for that, but then tumblr exploded right as I was starting to actually get into using it, so so much for that!)

So yeah. If y'all want to see more little fragments like this one, let me know, either here in the comments or on my Twitter! If any of you find these interesting I can start posting more of 'em.

(And for the record, I don't actually think that Lilly handles her anxiety in a very healthy way. She should see a professional about it, and so should you, if you find yourself stuck in thought patterns like the ones that she has. Please take care of yourself. <3 )

---

Lilly woke up, and after just five minutes of laying in bed, she knew that it was going to be a bad day.

It wasn't a gut feeling. She had learned long ago not to trust those. It was more of a state of mind. Last night had been amazing, and waking up to see Rose's beautiful face, sleeping gently next to her, was wonderful, but it wasn't enough to keep her thoughts from running wild. I've only been asleep for three hours. I'm going to be tired all day today and it's going to suck. Oh god, and it's Wednesday, I have to teach. We're starting the climate change unit today. I can't even think about it without getting sick to my stomach, but I have to go up and try to explain to a bunch of apathetic 18-year-olds what dire straits our planet is in while they stare at my tits for an hour. Fucking Intro to Environmental Science. It's not even my field of study. If I had just applied a week or two earlier they still would have needed TAs for the regular Intro to Biology class and I would be teaching something that I actually like, but I just had to be wishy-washy and drag my feet. Stupid, stupid, stupid...

Some days, she was able to keep her mind off of these things. It was clear that this wasn't going to be one of them. She looked at Rose again. She was smiling in her sleep. Lilly was glad that one of them was going to have a good morning, at least. She wanted to stay in bed. To hide under the covers and snuggle up with Rose, bury her face in her chest and forget about all the horrible shit going on in the world. But, of course, she needed to be in class in an hour. She dragged herself out of bed.

Lilly's morning routine had not changed much ever since she was a little girl. She liked having this one part of her life remain stable. It anchored her, she felt, starting out her day with the familiar. First up was yoga. She'd been doing that for longer than she was able to remember. Her parents had told her that she'd started joining her dad's morning yoga sessions in the living room not long after she learned to walk, so she'd been doing it almost every day for nearly twenty years now, and she had gotten very good at it. Nobody ever expected the short, chubby girl with the gigantic boobs to be able to execute a perfect Lotus Scorpion or Pigeon, but she could, with ease. It helped with her anxiety. Calmed her. She was never certain whether it was the actual stretching that accounted for that or the comfort of the routine, but it worked.

Still, this was a bad day, and bad days were bad because nothing really helped. Even the calming music she put on while she stretched wasn't doing much to keep her mind off of her worries. She tried thinking about happier things. Rose smiling in her sleep in the other room. Stretch. The wonderful way she'd filled her up last night. Bend. The way that she looked up at her while she drank from her tits, and how wonderful it felt to breastfeed her...

Shit, she was starting to leak on her yoga mat. Calm down, girls, I'll take care of you in a minute. She hadn't bothered to get dressed before starting, so she was still completely naked. She did that a lot. Sometimes, when Rose happened to wake up at the same time as Lilly, she would watch her doing her morning yoga. After a few mornings like that Lilly had discovered that a well-executed Sleeping Yogi performed without clothes on while Rose was watching resulted in sweaty, awesome morning sex every single time, no matter what sort of mood she was in. It was like having a superpower. Lilly smiled to herself and did one, reliving the memories in her head.

If you quit your shitty TA position your grant and scholarship will both be cut and your Master’s Degree will go back to being nothing but a distant dream.

God damn it. She was doing okay there for a few minutes, but on days like this there was no escaping it. She sighed and untangled herself, then headed to the shower. She caught her own reflection in the bathroom mirror and winced. Sticky. Sweaty. Bags under her eyes. There was milk on her nipples, some of it dried and some of it from leaking a few minutes ago, and there were dried... other fluids in her pubes. Last night had been fun, but good lord, it had made a mess of her.

Good memories. Focus on those. Once she was in the shower she let herself think about breastfeeding Rose again (For some reason she had no trouble controlling those thoughts. Go figure), trying to lose herself in reliving the feelings and mostly succeeding. The hot water felt wonderful on her breasts, and as she gently pressed her hands against them they began to let down, not drops but full-on sprays, which spattered against the shower walls before flowing down and turning the water white as it circled the drain.

Normally she pumped in the morning, but today her hands would be enough. Rose had completely emptied her last night, and since it had only been three hours they hadn't had much time to fill up again. She turned the water from hot to warm (this would take a few minutes, and she wanted to leave some hot water for Rose), sat on the bench, and milked.

Four years ago, she had hated this. She had hated her body for imposing this chore on her, and hated it for making it feel so treacherously good. Four years ago, she started every morning tense and angry, hating herself for enjoying this and especially hating it when the sensations were so overwhelming that they made her cum, which, given how sensitive her nipples and breasts were, happened often. Four years ago, this was the source of the intrusive thoughts that she just couldn't keep out of her head.

Now, she couldn't imagine starting her days any other way. Milk sprayed against the the shower door, and she gasped and moaned in delight. This was the only place in the apartment where she could completely let loose and empty herself with no need for cleanup afterwards, and she took full advantage of it. Now, the times when her morning milking so completely overwhelmed her that she brought herself to a shivering orgasm right there in the shower were a delight- a reprieve from her anxiety instead of an instigator of it. It was one of the few things that she was able to do that actually worked at keeping her mind off of her worries every time.

Maybe today wouldn't be such a bad day after all? Halfway through emptying herself, she lifted her breast (it was hard to do with one hand, but she'd had a lot of practice) and started sucking on her nipple. This was something that she had always been able to do easily, but had almost never indulged herself in until she started dating Rose, who loved to watch her do it. It wasn't quite like the feeling of having Rose's lips on her, but it was almost as good, and it didn't take long before she was gasping, clutching her chest as she came and filled the shower with white.

Morning orgasms were a good way to start the day, she thought. They mellowed her out, helped calm the raging emotions that she'd woken up with. She even found herself smiling as she dried off and got dressed. There was another former source of anxiety for her: clothes. Four years ago, she did everything that she possibly could to downplay her chest. Minimizer bras (they were hard to get in her size, just because it was hard to get any bras in her size, but she had a few), and the baggiest tops that she could possibly find had filled her wardrobe. Now, though, she dressed for comfort first... which mostly still meant lots of baggy clothes, but she didn't wear bras that strangled her boobs anymore. They were gigantic, so huge that nothing she wore could possibly make them look not gigantic, so why bother? This was the body she had. She never asked for it, but she had learned to love it, and if anyone else had a problem with that, fuck 'em. She had bigger things to worry about than the opinions of strangers. Rose was the only one who got to have an opinion on Lilly's body and the way that she dressed that actually mattered to her, and that was because she had earned it.

Well... Except the university's opinion sort of mattered to her, out of necessity. As a TA she was expected to dress professionally when she was teaching, which meant she had to go a little bit nicer than shorts and a T-shirt, which was what she felt like wearing today. So... Jeans. Nice ones. They were kind of tight, but her butt and hips were big enough that pretty much all pants were tight on her. T-shirt bra, loaded up with pads to catch any accidental leaks. Between those and the thickness of the bra itself, her nipples wouldn't be visible through her top even when they got hard, which they had an annoying habit of doing for no reason throughout the day. Tank top, with lacy trim. It showed some cleavage, but not a crazy amount. Aaand... over it all, a long, light kimono that matched the tank top.

She looked at herself in the full-length mirror in the bedroom door and smiled. She looked... good. She still wasn't entirely used to that feeling. Although... Hmm. That was quite a bit of cleavage, now that she was looking at it. Her breasts were mostly covered, but they were just so big that there was still a good half a foot of boob visible.

"Mmm. Good morning, sexy." Rose appeared in the mirror behind her, wrapped her arms around Lilly's shoulders and kissed her on the top of the head. She was so tall, and Lilly so short, that she didn't even need to stand on her toes to do it.

"Hi." Lilly saw herself smile. "You're up early."

"I saw a beautiful woman in my mirror and decided to investigate."

There was something stiff and very large pressing against Lilly's back. She laughed, turned around in Rose's arms so that she was facing her, stood on her toes and kissed her. The stiff and very large something was poking the bottom of her breasts now. She gripped it gently with her hand. "You seem to like my outfit, but do you think it's too low-cut? I have to teach today and I don't want to distract all my students."

"Hmm..." Rose had bags under her eyes, and her hair was all tangled and frizzy, but she was smiling. She looked thoughtfully at Lilly's chest and tugged the neckline of the tank top up a little bit. "I think you're fine. You're still mostly covered. And honestly if your students are going to be distracted by you they'll be distracted no matter what you wear. That's on them, not you."

"I agree, but if I get a bunch of students emailing the department saying, 'Hey, Professor Yukimura came to class with her tits hanging out of her top today,' I'm gonna be in trouble."

Rose laughed. "You worry too much, chérie." Lilly shivered. She loved it when she called her that. "The outfit's fine. You were the one who told me that your department head is super cool about your body, right? Even if students do complain, I'm sure she'll be reasonable."

"Mm. I guess you're right." She hugged her, buried her face in Rose's big, soft chest and sighed. "I feel like today's gonna be a bad mental health day."

"Aw... Well, if you need to talk I'll keep an eye on my phone. You wanna do lunch together?"

"Can't. I'm going to have to take it at noon and you'll be in class then."

"Oh. Yeah. Sorry, chérie."

"It's okay. I'll get through it. Can I stay like this for a minute though?"

"You can stay like this for as long as you want." Lilly nuzzled Rose's breasts, enjoying the warmth of her body, and her arms around her shoulders. And her smell. For some reason Rose always smelled good, even when she was sweaty and covered in dried sex from the night before. Magic, probably. "I love you, Lilly," Rose whispered, and she shivered. For this brief moment, everything was right with the world, and nothing could hurt her.

She could have stayed like this all day, but she had a schedule to keep, so after a minute or two she pulled away. "Alright. Ready to face the world!" She said it with an enthusiasm that she didn't really feel, but it made Rose laugh.

"That's the spirit! Go get 'em!"